The Power of Self-Reflection…..What suffering, struggle, and recovery have taught me about becoming more loving.

The most meaningful growth in my life did not come from success.
It came from suffering.

From struggle.
From seasons I never would have chosen.
From walking alongside addiction—both in my personal family life and reflecting back on losing my dad to alcoholism when I was 3 years old.  

Addiction has impacted me, and in the lives of those I love, my sweet daughters.  I have been married for 29 years.  It’s real, it's painful, but I decide to see it as part of my story, and part of my growth.   I am thankful for all of it.  

From rooms where honesty was the price of admission and humility was non-negotiable.

This is what those seasons taught me:
If I want to grow, I have to be willing to look at myself.

Not to shame myself.
Not to tear myself down.
But to take responsibility.

It is so easy to blame someone else rather than look inward right?   

Well that was how I operated for years.   Not with bad intentions, but without self reflection and humility.  There were so many patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving that I wasn’t consciously aware of.    Until I did this WORK.   I literally couldn’t SEE my own brain. I couldn’t see how I was protecting my pain.  I literally covered it up for years and it looked like perfectionism, performance, blaming and buffering.  

Pain has a way of exposing what comfort hides.  Have you noticed this?   I now know at 53 years old, that struggle and hardships are what grow us the most, teach us what we need to look at, and how to be a better, more kind human.   We don’t always learn this from success.   

I have learned that struggle reveals where ego quietly runs the show.
Where pride blocks connection.
Where being “right” matters more than being loving.

In recovery spaces like Al‑Anon, I learned something that changed me forever:
I am responsible for my side of the street.

Not your reactions.
Not your choices.
Not your healing.

Mine.

That truth is both sobering and freeing.

Ego Is the Greatest Barrier to Connection

Ego tells us:

• Defend yourself.

• Justify your behavior.

• Make sure they know your intentions.

• Stay above the mess.

But ego keeps us isolated.

It prevents us from saying, I’m sorry.
It keeps us from admitting when we’ve caused harm.
It convinces us that self-reflection is weakness instead of wisdom.

True connection requires humility.
And humility requires the courage to look inward.

Self-Reflection Is an Act of Love

Self-reflection is not about perfection.
It’s about integrity.

It’s asking:

• Where did my words wound instead of heal?

• Where did I react instead of respond?

• Where did fear, control, or pride speak louder than love?

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean taking all the blame.
It means owning your part—fully, honestly, without conditions.

This is where trust is rebuilt.
This is where relationships soften.
This is where real change begins.

Letting Go of Judgment Frees the Heart

Judgment feels powerful, but it’s a dead end.

When we drop judgment—of others and ourselves—we begin to see people as they truly are: human, limited, wounded, learning.

Addiction as part of my family system taught me this painfully and profoundly.
It taught me compassion over control.
Presence over fixing.
Humility over superiority.

And it taught me that change doesn’t come from demanding it of others—it comes from embodying it ourselves.

There Is No Better Time Than Now

Not tomorrow.
Not after they change.
Not when life calms down.

Now.    

Am I perfect at this?  No.  But am I more aware now as I bring this work into my daily consciousness?  Into my closest relationships?   

Questions that I practice asking daily:

• How can I show up more loving?

• Where can I choose compassion over defense?

• Where is God inviting me to grow?

This is not about changing others.
It is about stewarding the one life you are responsible for—your own, and dropping the need to control and change other humans.  

Becoming More Like Jesus Is a Lifelong Pursuit

Jesus did not lead with ego.
He led with humility, truth, compassion, and love.

To become more like Him is to allow ourselves to be searched, shaped, and softened. Not once—but daily.

This inward work—of reflection, responsibility, and repair—is not easy. But it is sacred.  

And it is the journey I choose.

Not perfection.
Not control.
But growth and healing.  

This will be my strongest pursuit for the rest of my days on this earth:
To look inward honestly.
To take responsibility courageously.
And to show up—again and again—more loving, more compassionate, and more like Jesus.

That is where real transformation lives.